Would you be able to perceive life beyond the
death? Would you be able to find prosperity in the emptiness? Would you be able
to perceive honor, dignity and beauty of a man beyond the lying, betrayal and fraud?
Would you be able to acquire freedom among prohibitions? Would you be able to
perceive faithfulness, to forgive and to love where a woman gives herself at no
cost, because of want? Would a woman be able to perceive love and faithfulness
of a man beyond his desire to have almost all women of a world?
Would you be able to
acquire freedom among prohibitions?
I’ll describe how I’ve passed through the
worsened type of character. It happened after twelve years after the acknowledgement
with information about the character types, when I have already worked through
rather deeply each one of them.
I was ill for a long time,
I had uncertain state, which I couldn’t define in any way. A though came to me
from time to time that my bad health is associated with worsened type of
character, but then it got lost somewhere, and everything continued to go on
its turn. I felt I’m walking on the circle, but I couldn’t see on which one.
Once I was set into the meditation and the table arose in front of my eyes, in
the form it was given at end of the book «The way to freedom. A look in oneself». That part of table, where the
information about the worsened type was given. And I was guided along this
table, from the end to the beginning, step by step.
I perceived and felt in me the one who was
brought low, and I perceived there was one on the outside who brings low me. I
looked at him for some time, while dozens of faces from my past floated in
front of my face. I felt and lived through the bringing low. After some time,
the thought came to me that External Equals Internal, and immediately the one
outside moved inside. The one who brings low and the one who is brought low
appeared to be the single one – they couldn’t live without each other, as it
turned out. It came by itself that I agreed to be brought low and it began to
pull down me. I felt and lived through the bringing low, I felt and lived
through how I destroy myself. It was not very painful and disgusting, because I
have been at bottom dozens of times before and lived through that feeling.
While this sweet pair made love with each other, I’ve noticed the third one,
who provokes and does it in the sake of evil. He was looking at what was
happening, and they constituted the trinity together. The Evil one opened himself:
he had hatred and malice to the whole world. Namely this evil carries these
feelings in him.
The trinity remained still for some time, each
one making his duty, and here I have the thought coming to me that I carry the
weight with me in order not to forget about it. I remember and carry with me
all these memoirs about bringing low in order not to forget about them and to
be always ready for the upcoming bringing low. I maintain the life in them
myself! And I decide whether to release, to forgive, to
make it easy which happened to me. «God will forgive any» means actually «God
will make everything easy». God is the easiness by itself that is why he makes
everything easy, that is, he makes everything simple.
When I release all this, the freedom comes. I
enjoy the easiness in the body, but the control comes in a while. I was
controlled by my mother, she nourished me by force and sat on the pot, - this is a way I have got worsened type in me. The wish comes
from inside to reconcile with control. I submit to the control, follow it,
yield to it, reconcile. Let everyone control me, nourish me by force, sit on
the pot – I follow it. First time in my life I really follow it, flow together
with the stream, without any conditions or resistance. The next stage of
freedom comes here.
When I have bended my head in front of control,
the freedom came. I enjoyed again for some time the inexpressible easiness of
being, the freedom of motion, the strength. I feel
well and free. And I ask for, now I can ask for. I ask for it, but they reject
it unexpectedly. I am brought low again, and it throws me down again, to the
hell of bringing low.
Here the sexuality stream is being mixed to the
process. Sexuality is disgusting, it is dirt for the worsened type, but namely downside
the Motion of Life is located. I ask for it – and I am being thrown down, to disgust
and dirt, into the motion which I prohibit to myself. Because
it is dirty and blameworthy to feel the motion downside. If I would
move, act, they will bring me low. And I will encounter the necessity to move
again.
I ask for it once again, it throws down me again,
into the motion which I have stopped, which one I don’t master. I ask for it once
again – and here my own motion begins awaking. I ask for it again and again,
and from time to time my own motion is awakened, my own strength. I’ve rested on
the motion outside of me before: I was controlled, they decided it for me, they
determined it for me, they did it for me, they pointed out, they directed, they
helped. And now, when I asked for it and they have refused, brought low me, my
own motion was awakened at bottom, on which I’m able to rest and to go across
the life. I rest on it, feel it. I can move now by myself. I rest now on
myself, on my motion of Life, which encompasses in it all remaining motions,
including sexual one. Going through my life, I awaited them to solve and to act
instead of me, because I didn’t have my own motion within. Now I act by myself.